Arrrrrrrrrrr-gravating.
Ok. Pirates. Should've done this last night, but i was too tired.I'm not sure at what point in the movie i gave up, but it was pretty early on. I think it had to do with the shark people. WHO, FOR THE RECORD, WERE NOT BAD ASS ENOUGH TO CALL THEMSELVES SHARK PEOPLE. They were just moldy-crustacean people.
It's like Disney was so excited that the first one was a blockbuster that they took all their writers and just locked them in a room with a fishtank and a chest full of pretty pretty princess jewelry and fed them acid for 4 days straight while they just sat there and flicked gold medallions off each other's foreheads.
And for their valiant efforts, they managed to come up with:
Shark people? Sure. Whatever you want.
A dead monkey that is still in the pre-curse state even though all the rest of the pirates were returned to normal human form after the Aztec Gold was replaced? O-kay.
A "kracken" that just looks like a ginormous octopus? Fine. (I mean, jesus, people, if you're gonna run with the imaginary shark-people concept anyway, why not just make the kracken a fucking ENORMOUS fucked-up looking shark.)
The entire cannibal island was a waste of time. As Lauren pointed out, we didn't need TWO longwinded wheel-related action scenes (hamster ball bones cages and water wheel).
And they just made Elizabeth immediately fall in love (lust?) with Jack, and that was ridiculous.
Also ridiculous was when Will saw them making out, was really pissed off about it, and then still pledges to travel to the ends of the earth to bring jack back to life. WHY. That motherfucker sold. you. out. And more than once! and now he's macking on your girl and you're like, yeah, let's save him. cool. It doesn't make any sense.
As Jim mentioned, the heart. WTF. First of all, how bout a line or TWO OR THREE about how Davy Jones transformed from a normal person into a walking pile of kalimari. Even if the power of heartbreak ripped his body to shreds and he regenerated as that creature, FINE, just, TELL ME. If we're supposed to infer that bc he rules the sea, he looks like that and so do his minions, fine. Just, TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM. And the heart controlling the sea? You can't just write something like that into a 2.5 hour script and just leave it at that.
Even the flouncy new commander (who was excellent, actually) knew that he could control the entire fucking ocean with a still-beating heart that has been locked in a box and covered in sand. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE. I'm putting up with your bloated storyline, please just take an extra 45 seconds to explain how this is possible. A fucking apple doesn't control the freeway just because you SAY it does. Make something up -- i don't even care and that's obviously what's been done for the rest of the movie. Just GIVE ME A REASON.
This is what happens when you force a trilogy out of a movie that was based on a fucking theme park ride. Sure Depp and Bloom are pretty to look at, but it ruins the experience when I'm banging my head against the wall.
[atleastwegottoseeitforfree!]
posted by Becca @ 1:54 AM
1 Comments:
Quibbles from someone who liked the movie:
Who called them "shark people"? I think that was just an internet thing based on the trailer.
Liquiddity is right... the monkey was turned undead at the end of the first movie.
I didn't mind the cannibal scene, even though it WAS a little on the long side.
Elizabeth and Jack have always had some sexual tension.
Krakens ARE mythical giant octopuses. They didn't make that up for the movie.
I agree with the comments about Will wanting to bring back Jack and the lack of explanation about Davy Jones and the heart, though.
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